Tomorrow is my birthday. I descend another year deeper into my thirties. I’m getting older and for the first time, I’m really starting to notice it. Now, don’t get me wrong, as I’ve said before my thirties have the absolute BEST years of my life for a number of reasons. I still get carded for booze 8 times out of 10. I’m by no means ready to be wheeled into the retirement home, but I have to admit, there are some happenings of maturation that I’m just not cool with. So shuffle up on your walkers and turn up your hearing aides, cause I’m about to break down:
5 Reasons Getting Older Sucks
Number 5- You can’t connect with the younger generation.
I’m now officially at the age where I really just don’t get what the hell “these kids” are thinking. I thought I’d be much closer to 60 before I started ranting about how it was “back in my day”. Oh, it’s already started. From their choices in music (or what they’re passing off as music) to their incessant need to handle everything electronically, I’m out of the loop. And trust me, I have no desire to be in that loop. It looks terrifying in there.
Number 4- Gray hair.
When you routinely get high-lights you somehow miss the moment when your dye job goes from a want to a need. I was a little late on getting foiled recently and my roots sent me the ugly memo. Psst, check out all this gray action we’re rocking all around your crown! Tada!
There will be no picture of said roots.
Number 3- The couch becomes a sleepy time cradle of naptitude.
There must be something magical about my couch, because it enchants me into a deep sleep almost nightly. During the week I’ve even been known to nod off around 8:30. Staying awake in certain situations has really become an intermittent issue for me over the last few years, one I’ve lamented before.
Me 3 out of 5 weeknights.
Number 2-That whole slower metabolism thing is for real.
I remember smashing a value meal at 3:30 AM back in the day and hearing my older friends bemoaning the fact that their metabolisms couldn’t handle that. I really should have listened to them. Much like a specter of Christmas future, they were filling me in on what was in store when I crossed that threshold into 30-something. But you just don’t believe it till it actually hits you. You can stay fit and trim, but your body is now your enemy and will try to sabotage you in every possible way. For example….
Number 1- You get injuries that sound like they belong to an 80-year-old.
I got two cortisone shots in my hip on Wednesday to help put a full-court press on an injury that’s plagued me since last summer. First, can we take a moment and acknowledge that the injury is in my hip. Is there a more elderly place to suffer an injury!? Secondly, I have Trochanteric Bursititis (and probably some other shit as well). Bursititis. Next to arthritis, nothing screams Mema quite so loudly.
When I’m trying to burn joggers with evil eye daggers out of jealousy as I drive by, I have fantasies about my 20s when my body cooperated no matter how badly I physically abused it.
Damn joggers ruining my smoke break.
**Side note** Google “old lady hip” and 75% of the pictures are Lady Gaga.
Feel free to send me all your gifts dear readers. I accept beer, candles, and anything from Lululemon. But I’ll settle for a gift certificate for a foil nd a year’s supply of anti-inflammatories.
Stay positive & love your life!
Listening to:Monsters Of Folk – Dear God (Sincerely M.O.F.)
Eating: Potato, quinoa, and spinach soup.
Random fact: Despite my sleepy tendencies, I can still hang…or force myself to. My bestie Brett was in town a few weeks ago and we stayed up to after 3 AM two days in a row! I know, a monumentous achievement! I only paid for it for 3-4 days afterward.
Check out my OpEd piece about the CVS Cigarette Sales Ban today on Lefty Pop! I had a bit more bitchiness and length in the original piece, but the edit still captures my overall point that this is a savvy business decision and not CVS taking care of us.