Now, before anyone gets up in arms or starts writing a rant filled comment, I don’t mean prejudiced in the sense of being a bigot. I don’t mean at the most basic level that I think my existence to be superior to anyone else’s. And I definitely don’t mean I’m a racist. Although I do subscribe to the belief that EVERYONE is a little bit racist.
I’m not writing a post today to comment on Paula Dean or Trayvon Martin or DOMA being declared bullshit (yay!). I’m here to talk about the ways in which I openly prejudge people everyday. There are some things that, when observed by my squinty eyes, will cause me to make an immediate knee-jerk assessment of a person. Are they accurate assessments? I’d say 99% of the time, yeah, they probably are. Get ready to be offended people.
Driving a minivan tells me that without a shadow of a doubt, you’re a shitty driver. You’re going to find a way to get in front of me and then I’m going to end up yelling at you. Or giving you the patented “really?!” look. Or both.
I’m also going to assume you’re probably really boring and that you haven’t had anything adventurous happen in your life in a long, long time.
*Exclusion for VW vans. Those kick ass.
*Exclusion for conversion vans. You’re definitely a creeper or shady in some way, shape or form.
Little Stick Family on Your Back Windshield
The same assumptions I just made about minivan folks work here as well. No one really cares that you have a girl who likes ballet, a boy who plays soccer, and stop the press, a husband who likes to golf. Color me shocked. And annoyed. I get people being proud parents, but I’ve never had a friend with these stickers on their car. And I have plenty of friends with kids….so….yeah.
*Exclusion for a zombie version of the family. That’s still kind of funny to me, because it’s poking fun at this ridiculousness.
*Minivan + stick family…draw your own conclusions as to my thoughts on this.
Alabama Crimson Tide Fans
I spent a lot of time in “Bama” when Matt lived in Birmingham. I have never experienced anything like these people. They’re mad. Taking football seriously is one thing. I get that. Worshiping at the alter of all that is Bear Bryant or Nick Saban or remotely Tuscaloosa adjacent is taking it to a whole new level of crazy. And the crazier the fan, the more likely it is that they’ve never attended one class at the University of Alabama.
This is not an isolated sighting. Visit Google images. Houndstooth. Everywhere.
You don’t live anywhere near the beach. You’re not from the beach. Are you confused? Or did you just see that all of the other sheeple had this sticker so you followed suit?
You Listen to Top 40 Radio
I’m going to assume that you really don’t like music. Because you obviously don’t have enough passion to seek it out. It is highly likely that we can’t be friends.
Ask Matty what he thinks about this guy.
Your, you’re. They’re, their, & there. It’s & its. etc.
I get that people stink at spelling and grammar. That’s fine. But if you make some smartypants Facebook post about how stupid someone else is or how much smarter you are than everyone else and you jack up your word usage, I think you know what I’m going to assume. Or maybe you’re not smart enough to figure it out.
So there you have it. Did I make any enemies? I doubt it. Or maybe you’re sitting there thinking, “Well I just judged your stupid, pretentious little blog.” Great! Mission accomplished. Now, let’s go grab a drink! You can drive me in your stick family covered van while you tell me how the Tide could totally beat an NFL team and we listen to Buffet.
Stay positive & love your life!
Eating: Leftover spaghetti
Random fact: The university I attended doesn’t have a football team (UWF); thus I still bleed orange and blue! Go Gators!