Half of a Squirrel: An Homage to Jan

This morning I was greeted at the door by 1/2 of a squirrel carcass complete with detached tail.  How awesome is it that my cat Duben left this wonderful offering for me?  And how awesome of a chick am I for cleaning up the “gift” with minimal bitching and only a small amount of dry heaving?  Seriously folks, Matt’s exact statement, “I’m not picking that up.  Effin gross.”  Matt’s my boyfriend and pretty much an all around bad ass, but even he was unwilling to clean up the crime scene.  So it got me thinking, women are pretty legit when it comes to cleaning up gross stuff.  You know what else women are?  Moms.  Yep, this dead squirrel anecdote is my lead in to my Mother’s Day post.  Bam! Didn’t see that coming, did you?

dead_screwy

This is in no way similar to Duben’s victim

I’m going to go ahead and say that my Mom is the bee’s knees.  She is the type of Mom you’d see on a sitcom and say, “damn, I wish my Mom were that cool.”  I could list at least 472 reasons why she’s so great.  But in the interest of brevity and due to the length of my lunch break, I’m going to narrow the list down to a top 5.  Without further ado, here are the top 5 reasons that Jan is bomb:

NUMBER 5- SHE’S AN AMAZING DANCER

Now I know what some of you are thinking, “Melissa, I had no clue your Mom had moves.”  And to that I say, exactly.  That’s because she really doesn’t….in the typical “good” dancer sort of way.  But she isn’t afraid to shake it even if her skills make Elaine from Seinfeld look like a member of the American Ballet Corps.  Bottom line is that she likes to have fun and she really doesn’t care what you think about her routine.

I once saw her put on a routine with my friend Bee’s mini-Dachshund to Lady Gaga’s “Edge of Glory”.  Said Dachshund was wearing a monkey costume given to him by my Mom complete with a pink tutu.  That’s pretty amazing people, think about it.

560308_10100469918810957_837541895_n

This is Otis in his monkey costume sans tutu.

elaine-dance

Instead of the thumbs, Jan deploys a downward Karate chop action.

And all those dance shenanigans take us right into number 4-

NUMBER 4-  SHE’S HILARIOUS

Back in the day my Mom developed a mean Butthead impersonation.  And she did it all the time…..in front of my friends.  Most kids would be mortified.  Not me, because that shit was hilarious.  And she would start cracking herself up and then came the uncontrollable Mom laugh.  She has the best laugh.  It’s infectious.  You can’t not laugh.  I’ve scientifically tested it!

*She also does a staggeringly accurate Ren from “Ren & Stimpy”

butthead

“huh, huh, huh, hey baby”

NUMBER 3- SHE LOVES MUSIC

As I mentioned in my previous post,  both of my parents are huge music fans.  My Mom’s taste is probably a lot different than your Mom’s though.  Don’t believe me?  Does your Mom listen to Rage Against the Machine?  Yeah, didn’t think so.  But Jan does!  Her preset for Sirius is Octane.  That’s pretty hardcore to be rolling to in a Prius.  And it’s also pretty sweet.  This new found love for heavy music is a departure from her days of loving groups like Bruce Hornsby and the Range, Level 42, INXS, etc.  I like all of those bands, but I think it’s great that her tastes keep changing.  That’s because she keeps changing…..

NUMBER 2- SHE’S GETTING BETTER WITH AGE

My Mom never stops growing and evolving.  She picked up running a few years ago.  My Mom was the last person I could ever see running.  She hated it.  Now she’s out running 3+ miles several times a week!

She adopted Veganism a few years ago as well.  Just like, “hey, I want to be a Vegan” and then, overnight, she was.  Years of eating habits abandoned.  That’s pretty admirable and rare.

408556_10151276013281334_1885213852_n

Here’s a shot of her grocery shopping.

And most importantly…..

NUMBER 1- SHE’S A TRULY WONDERFUL PERSON

Even if she weren’t my Mom, I would admire and respect her.  She’s just a damn good person.  She has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met.  I’m pretty sure this came from my Grandma Patton.  She also had a huge heart and a generous spirit.

There’s just no other way to say it, she’s just the best.   And I’m one lucky lady to have been raised by her!

2132_53038401156_7329_n

Here she is feeding a stuffed raccoon.  Yep, she’s a big influence on my weirdness.

I love you like crazy Mom!

– Melissa

Today:

Song:  “Tulip” Here We Go Magic

Food:  Tofu and Udon bowl.

Drinking: Diet Coke

Reading:  Just finished “Acirema:  A New Beginning.  A Better Way” by: Bill Williams

Random Fact: I love the way shoe stores smell.

Advertisements

Okay, your turn to talk!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s